I don't even know how to start this post off
okay let me first preface this latest addition by stating that over the course of this weekend, there have been:
1 toilet-cell phone incident
2 missing cameras
the most ungodly, ridiculously high bar bill I've ever been responsible for
a potentially stolen vehicle
enough margaritas, vodka tonics and beer to reverse the effects of global warming forever (if copious amounts of alcohol had any real effect on global warming to begin with, of course)
So with that in mind, I attended a bachelorette party Saturday evening. It started out innocently enough, 11 girls at dinner, a few margaritas, lots of gossip and an overload on the color pink. However, between dinner and the bars we had to make a pit stop.
holy mother of god. Now please keep in mind this is being written by a girl who grew up in New Hampshire. I've never been to a strip club (well okay, once in Montreal but it was all of a nanosecond before we were escorted out because my friend touched the male stripper) and I've definitely never seen a drag show. I wasn't quite sure what to expect. To me, strippers, performers, drag queens, etc I feel very awkward about. Where do I look? What should my reaction be?
So we go to this place and the first performer is a dead wringer for Tila Tequila and I have to say, this girl (boy?) had a better body that 90% of real deal women out there which doesn't bode well for any girl's self-esteem level, especially after inhaling a full meal. The majority of groups there were bachelorette parties with a few random sketchballs throw into the mix (has anyone seen Boondock Saints? you know when Willam Defoe dresses up in drag towards the end in the most hideously awful outfit that clearly made him a winner in the World's Ugliest Woman competition? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he was there. in that outfit)
So after a few songs in, I was a bit more comfortable. I could handle Tila Tequila the sequel. She wore sparkles, danced around and was generally entertaining.
And then the floodgates opened.
Next, out stepped one of the scariest man/woman I have ever seen. I only wish my words could accurately paint the picture for you. Let's just say this: picture a really angry, paunched-bellied Wesley Snipes wearing a sparkle blue "dress" that was fashion taped together in the front and held together on the sides by ONE PIECE OF STRING. Gone was the semi-adorable girlie girl singing songs and getting the audience involved. Wesley wanna-be was fierce. And not in the Project Runway, totally-fabulous way. More in the, I'm going to give you a high heel to the face if you don't give me enough dollar bills way.
To make matters worse, this one was a big fan of the pelvic thrusting and hip gyrating. There were moments where, as I stood with my hands covering my eyes, I saw my life flashing before me.
However, I do believe the highlight of my evening was watching as the dear dear Bachelorette got her lap dance from a 6 foot tall RuPaul type queen whose massive "curves" (or as one girl so affectionally referred to as "pooh bear body") were tightly encased in a FULL, HEAD-TO-TOE, LEOPARD LEOTARD.
Now please keep in mind. We are a group of former sorority girls. We wear pearls on a regular basis. We pop our collars proudly. We prefer our shots be fruity. So there is nothing more interesting/hilarious/shocking/creepy/did i mention hilarious? then watching one of our finest, classiest at all times, women getting grinded upon by this magnificent leopard leotard creature. Cover at the door $10. Vodka tonics $5. Watching one of your friends face turn a shade of scarlet as a 6 foot, 300 pound man dressed in full drag sits on their lap? Priceless.
All in all, I have to admit. It was an experience. Will I be trekking to Bay Village every weekend to partake? I think not. Was it a worldly experience that will add to the colorful tapestry of my life's experiences? most definitely. and perhaps I will even take a few make-up tips away with me.